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Saturday, September 12, 2009
Question:
"You forgot your mom's birthday! What can you make out of super glue and olive pits?" Again, I'm so happy to get the crack-addict questions. (PEW PEW! SARCASM SHOOTER!) Answer: Honestly, I like to believe I'm a fairly crafty person, and even with olive pits, I might be able to create.... something unique. However, super glue is the death of me so I'd have to go at this with gloves, and apron, and goggles, just to make sure I don't glue my eyelids shut. To start, let's analyze the situation. It's my mom's birthday, so these olive pits and glue can't just turn into anything. I will have to take into account my mother's wants and needs. So, let's brainstorm. What does my mother like? Knitting, spinning, alpacas, Elton John, yarn, books on tape, healthy foods, a son who does what he's supposed to do. Just to name a few. Now, looking at the list, I'm pretty sure that I can't make an alpaca, Elton John, a book on tape, or a son who does what he's supposed to do. Healthy foods.... Olives aren't healthy. They're sitting in an oily brine for most of their life, and my mother doesn't particularly enjoy olives. I figure I could spin her some yarn if olive pits had some sort of fiber within them by which to spin. But honestly, that doesn't sound too appetizing. So, we'll have to get creative. Seeing as I'll have plenty of olive pits (I assume), I should also have a variety of olive pits, correct? I'll have Kalamata Olives, Amfissa Olives, Black Olives, Green Olives, Brown Olives, all shades of olive. This is a necessity. So too is a transparent, anti-stick-to-humans, super glue. That way, I can complete this incredibly epic planning. Also, I'll need someone who can get in contact with celebrities. I'd start with a base. A cube made of some sturdy material, just the right size for the attempted piece of olive-pit-scupltury. I'd cover the cube with olive pits, with such precision that the cube's original material is unnoticeable underneath the particularly spectacular mosaic of olive pits. At this point, I'm ready to call Elton John's agent so I can get him to pose for me. With his eponymous blind man shades, of course. And so I would start the incredible process of creating an Elton John of olive pits. The pits color is essential at this point. Purplish pits (I know they exist, I've seen them before) will help with creating the shades. The accessories should be easy with a little patience. At which point, the man of the hour should have arrived. It's my mother's birthday, so I would need a severe level of dedication and speed, which is something I am particularly well known for having. (PEW PEW! There goes that Sarcasm Shooter again.) Anyways, I'd probably go for a nude sculpture. My mother would enjoy that best. Hours would go by, me being profusely bored of having to imagine Elton John naked while I require he keep his clothes on. Of course, this whole fantastic engagement would be occuring in my cramped bedroom, so, undoubtedly, before I had even finished crafting Elton John's feet, my mom would have barged in trying to interrupt whatever level of serious work I was doing, just because that's what she likes to do best, and would immediately notice Elton John standing in my room and would probably begin yelling and running around and asking him if he wanted something to eat. Yea. She'd get a two-in-one kind of deal. Elton John AND a son who does what he's supposed to do. Labels: Tristan |